The XYZ Model Doesn't Work

I go back and forth between rebellion and religion.  Running from God, thinking he doesn't love me to working for him, trying to earn his love.  I heard the other day, somewhere, that some people are naturally inclined toward following rules or being rule-oriented.  That's me.

Do X, get Y.
Don't do X, don't get Y, but punishment Z.

But God doesn't fit into my little XYZ model.  I keep writing it on the blackboard of my heart and he keeps coming in and tenderly erasing it with his grace.  I can't do X to get Y (God's love).  Y never goes away.

The Pharisees of Jesus' time (and modern times) followed the XYZ model.  So much in me screams, "I wanna be a Pharisee!  They're so logical.  They get it!  Do X to get Y!  I wanna be like them!"  But really...they suck.  Their lives suck. They're never living as if they're loved.  They're working, working, working their fingers to the bone, trying to earn something they've already got - Y.

It's like money tucked away in their pocket, but they slave away, not believing it's there, not even bothering to look, hoping someday they'll reach the point where their hard work makes them confident enough to open the flap and peek inside. When they finally do, it bursts forth like lava from a volcano, oozing out all over their bodies, down to the tips of their toes.  But it was there the whole time.  That was the bulge under the flap they kept looking at wondering what it was.  God's love was waiting for them to believe and accept it - lift the flap.  He's waiting for me to believe and just lift the flap.

I wish I lived like I believe my pockets are full.  Somedays I do, but more often than not, I'm a Pharisee, living out my X, so I can get my Y.  I read this morning in the book, He Loves Me, that learning to trust God more and more everyday is the journey of a lifetime.  It reminded me that I'm not going to change overnight.  I'm not going to trust overnight.  It will take day after day, week after week, for the rest of my life.

Reading that, I felt both frustrated and relieved at the same time.  Frustrated that it will take so long, yet relieved that the pressure's off to do it so quickly and in my own strength.  My life is in God's hands. He's leading me with patience. I could go the rest of my life without ever doing X and yet He will still always, always give me Y.

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