I’m Afraid of My Husband’s Driving

The Ever-Popular
Slug Mating Ritual
Image: FCPS.edu

30 Day Blog Challenge, Day 2: Three legitimate fears and how I got them:

1.  Slugs
As a child I prayed, God, please remove all slugs from the earth.  Apparently, He honored that prayer…kind of.  He moved me to a part of the country where they don’t exist – or at least I haven’t seen them.  I’ve detested them since that one evening my friend, Dana, and I were out in her back yard playing on her retaining wall.  I laid my hand on the wall and felt a wet slimy bump spread out under the pressure of it.  I shined my flashlight on the wall only to find 20 three-inch long slugs stuck along the top and sides like leeches sucking on a person’s leg.  I ran inside the house screaming.

From then on, I had visions of slugs waiting to hitch rides on my back and suck the life out of me.  Never mind that they only eat plants.  I figured I would be attacked by the lone mutant and be found dead next to a damp wall somewhere, paper white and shriveled.  The thought of having one near me scares the crap out of me.

2.  My husband’s driving
Steve is known to enjoy beautiful scenery.  So much so that on a trip to Alaska 12 years ago, while gazing at the majestic snow-capped mountains, he veered into the neighboring lane of oncoming traffic.  When he looked forward again, a car was coming at us blaring it’s horn.  He quickly steered back into our lane, but not without forcing us to make a pit stop so I could change my pants.

Steve is just curious about things going on outside the car. It’s not uncommon to find our car running over a curb or crossing a yellow line a few times a month.  Therefore it only makes sense that I would either fear for my life or always stay alert.  Like when he turns his head at a 90 degree angle to have a conversation with me while tailgating a 1984 Cadillac Seville at 50 miles per hour.  Who’s watching the road?  I am.  So if a deer jumps out or a buffalo, or granny suddenly stops to turn in for an early bird special, I can scream, and he’ll immediately slam his arm across my chest and screech to an immediate halt.  It’s a team effort.  

Admittedly, he may have a slightly different perspective on his driving.  But…whatever.

What Steve looks like when he’s driving.

3.  Roller coasters
You could not pay me enough money to get on a roller coaster.  Seriously, I think I’d die of fright or a heart attack just from the anticipation of the click, click, click, going up the first hill.  Unless, of course, its Spacely’s Sprocket Rocket in the kid’s area at Great America.  That one I can handle.  

Spacely’s Sprocket Rocket
Image: Theme Park Review

But, honestly, the real horror at Great America is when you’re excited to have three free tickets and you think how that’s a savings of at least $120, but then you still spend $220 on two tickets, parking, and food with prices that rob your wallet.  And don’t forget the $15 locker that could hold a small child, but you only need it for your Razr phone and credit card while you’re standing in the 30 minute line, where your sons are invading the personal space of the bikini-clad college girl in front of you with their incessant fighting and knocking each other over into her rear end.  All this so you can spend five minutes, being shoved and splashed by foul-mouthed 12-year olds, on your lazy river raft, while one of your children is screaming off and on and off and on the entire float because he has something (maybe water?) in his left eye.  

But this is actually good compared to where you are two hours later.   Standing in a 45 minute line in 90 degree heat to take a two minute ride that gets your socks and shoes soaked, so when you walk you squish water out the sides of your Asics for the rest of the day, only to find that when you peel the soggy foot sweaters off your feet that night, your toes are white and have been rubbed raw.  The blood stains on your socks are from the water park pool floors which are made of something akin to crushed glass.  All of this after getting only four and a half hours of sleep because you stayed up until 2am watching designers make dresses out of Jordan almonds and gummi sharks on Project Runway.  

Please remind me never to do that again…like I did last Friday.  That is the real horror.

So what are you afraid of?  Leave your fears in a comment.

Share my crap, yo!Tweet about this on Twitter0Share on Facebook0Share on Google+1Pin on Pinterest0Share on StumbleUpon0Share on Reddit0Email this to someone
Don't forget to follow me!

Twitter Pinterest Google plus Facebook Instagram RSS


I’m Afraid of My Husband’s Driving — 11 Comments

  1. Sweeeeet! And thank you! I already started working on the answers to your questions. The hard part will be coming up with questions to ask others. Wow.

  2. How about leaches? Do they freak you out too, or just slugs? Guess what YOU’RE getting for Christmas this year?!?!?!?

    You can’t give Steve the nickname “Swivel-head”, because that’s what my mom calls my dad…and it’s true…swivel to the left, swivel to the right, stand up, sit down, fight, fight, fight…oh wait, that’s a cheer…we’re trying to PREVENT swivel-heads…hmmmm…

  3. Why do my comment ALWAYS to away?!?!?

    New and improved comment:

    Guess what you’re getting for CHRISTmas? Slugs, not coal.

    My mom calls my dad “swivel-head”. To my knowledge, he has not driven into oncoming traffic, but he has gotten a turkey (or some big-@** bird) to hit the windshield. He also runs out of gas a lot because “he pays more attention to the scenery than the gas gauge.”

  4. Oh dear Lord spare me! I wish I hadn’t read #3 because we are getting ready to go to Islands of Adventure/Harry Potter World on Monday. We have two free tickets that will cost the rest of us $400 more to get in and I don’t even want to THINK about the amount we’ll be spending inside the park! I feel deja vu coming on! Oy!

  5. For some reason I’m not so afraid of leaches. It doesn’t make sense. Perhaps because my exposure to them has been so limited, where as slugs were everywhere when I was growing up.

  6. Lol! It’s overwhelming. We’re talking about going to Disney next year via RV and I haven’t even considered the costs for that yet. We may just stay a couple nights at the Disney campground and skip the parks. We can enjoy Disney with less cost.

  7. oh Christmas pictures! That must have been a real hoot :)

    I have procrastinated on this very event… might try to take some at home, see how they turn out. I’m just not interested in a photo session with my two little terrors, I mean boys

Say something, will ya...