10 Things NOT To Do at a Wedding

See if you can guess which four I’ve committed.


  1. Come late to a wedding then tiptoe down the main aisle, with a cute “I’m so sorry I’m late” grin on your face, as you squeeze into a seat, just before the bride comes down the aisle, but after the Flower Girl. Trust me, your cuteness factor will drop a couple points if you do that, no matter how well you rock that new strappy cocktail dress.

  2. Go to a wedding underdressed. Even if these are your husband’s “hippie friends” that had their ceremony on some remote beach at sunset, donning only their bathing suits. And when you’re invited to, what you can only assume is, the lower-key reception, as also indicated by the fact that it’s held at a local park with a playground and sand volleyball courts, don’t you dare think you’ll be spiking on a bridesmaid and digging up a face-full of sand on the court and therefore come dressed in cut-offs, a t-shirt, and your “mowing” shoes – those old nasty green-tinted, smell-like-you’ve-buried-dead-animals-in-them, foot fungus shoes that would be perfect for volleyball. Don’t wear that crap, because everyone else will have somehow known that this was the more formal part of the affair and be decked out in prom dresses and sparkly heels.

  3. Bring your kids…because when you’re not looking they will either…


    or get naked.


  4. Leave your cell phone on. Then when it rings (to the tune of a whinnying, galloping horse) during the ceremony, don’t fumble around looking for it in your purse for an ETERNITY, and then accidentally flip it up in the air, missing it and letting it crash to the floor, grabbing it, then FINALLY turning it off, as your face turns the color of your stupid candy-apple red phone and everyone is staring deep rooted shame into your soul. Yeah, for sure, turn that thing OFF before you get there. They should have a stinking “silence your cell phone” reminder in the program. Sheesh.

  5. Invite your ex-boyfriend to your wedding. That’s dumb.

  6. Wear a dress so tight that when you start to dance, it rips straight up the back exposing your body shaper, which was supposed to secretly tame all that back fat, to the world and you’re stuck the rest of the evening sitting in your chair with your husband’s suit jacket on, while everyone else is having a blast on the dance floor and you just smile as they keep coming over to ask you why you’re not joining the fun and you have to admit that you have cramps because you’re too embarrassed that you tried to fit your fat butt in that size 6 dress. Yeah, don’t do that.

  7. Give the father-of-the-bride weird looks and disgusted remarks because you don’t recognize him and think he’s just some old guy coming on to you, but really he’s just trying to figure out who you are and how in the heck you and your Empire State Building-sized attitude got invited in the first place.

  8. Flirt with the groom. Stupid. And you will probably get clocked by the drunk Maid of Honor.

  9. Crash into the wedding cake because you decide it’s time to start the conga line and begin dragging people onto the dance floor, not paying attention to where you’re walking backwards. Don’t do that. Don’t walk backwards at a wedding. And whatever you do, don’t crash into that cake.Get so drunk that you stick your head in the punch bowl to bob for ice cubes you mistook for apples. Don’t do that either.

Okay, can you guess which ones I did?


  1. says

    Congrats, your mixed tape listicle made me laugh earlier!!! Well deserved to be featured. Love the photo of your kiddo in the diaper! I am assuming you did not flirt with the groom.. So straight up first four?

  2. says

    2, 3, 4, and 7. The cell phone was the absolute worst! It was when I didn’t use my cell phone so much and would leave it off most of the time. But, I went to this wedding without my husband and it was out of town and so i had the stupid thing on and then forgot until the ceremony.

  3. says

    I will definitely reconsider for the future. Thankfully there were other kids at these two weddings, but I don’t think any of them got naked. In his defense, it was 104 degrees or something like that.

  4. Anja says

    Ha ha – I laughed all through the list! Yeah, you really should do none of those things 😉 Another one would be to underestimate the amount of vodka you have (read: HAVE) to drink at a Polish wedding without getting any food first. Seriously 😉

  5. Renee C. says

    LOL That was hilarious! How about this one? As maid of honour, do not spill your full glass of red wine on the bride’s wedding dress? (Yes, I did…[insert shame]) Well, it turns out that it was scotch-guarded, so no problem there! lol

  6. jentos23 says

    Bwaahaahaa!! Oh my goodness, I’m guessing you brought your kids, left your cell phone on, and came late to the wedding. I’m stumped on the fourth one though. I laughed out loud at this :)

  7. says

    I underdressed (mowing shoes), left the cell phone on, have taken my kids numerous times and wonder why I do it every time (no babysitter is usually the reason) and had the father-of-the-bride interaction. Nice.

  8. Brandee says

    Oh my goodness! I am going to guess #2,4,6, and 7? I think that most people have had a cell phone ring at an inopportune time. At least it wasn’t a nasty song? 😉

  9. says

    Oh my gosh, that would be awful…but hilarious! I hadn’t even thought of that. Thank goodness! 2,3,4, and 7 – although I did wear a dress that was too tight once, but it didn’t rip – another time, too short and I had to keep raising my slip the whole time. Classy.

  10. says

    I actually did #5. He was in the wedding party, because it turned out I married my ex-boyfriend’s best friend. So I have my ex-boyfriend in all my wedding photos. Yes… a little awkward. :) Love this list!! :)

  11. says

    I know I’ve read this before but it still is stinking HILARIOUS!!!! Thanks so much for supporting me and linking up. Do you know you are always the most clicked link? Although I’ve only done it for three weeks, but hey…that’s a record in my book! 😉 Hope you’re having a great day!

  12. davromega says

    11. Do not point out that the bride is pregnant!
    12. Do not speak of all the exes of the Bride or Groom!
    13. Never never be overheard saying, “I give it 6 months”!
    14. Never request the DJ play a song that has a breakup!
    15. Never hit on the Mother of the Bride… or the Bride for that matter!
    16. Never ask the Bride if she forgot her make-up!
    17, Never ask the Groom if tonight is still poker night!
    I can see you doing all 10 of yours!(can I help it if you have given me that image of you with all that I have read so far on your blog?)

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