Last week, I submitted my listicle, My Husband's “Make-out Tape", not only to The Good Life, but also to Finding the Funny, where my post was one of the most clicked on (and hopefully read) posts of the 60+ entries. What an honor! This is the first kind of recognition my blog has received where any kind of “voting” has been involved.
When I told Steve how well the post did, he said, “Oh, there's more where that came from...Side 2.” Then he laughed at his little joke and I rolled my eyes for the fourth time.
This week, the topic from Monday Listicles is 10 Things: Wedding.
See if you can guess which four I've committed.
- Come late to a wedding then tiptoe down the main aisle, with a cute “I'm so sorry I'm late” grin on your face, as you squeeze into a seat, just before the bride comes down the aisle, but after the Flower Girl. Trust me, your cuteness factor will drop a couple points if you do that, no matter how well you rock that new strappy cocktail dress.
- Go to a wedding underdressed. Even if these are your husband's “hippie friends” that had their ceremony on some remote beach at sunset, donning only their bathing suits. And when you're invited to, what you can only assume is, the lower-key reception, as also indicated by the fact that it's held at a local park with a playground and sand volleyball courts, don't you dare think you'll be spiking on a bridesmaid and digging up a face-full of sand on the court and therefore come dressed in cut-offs, a t-shirt, and your “mowing” shoes – those old nasty green-tinted, smell-like-you've-buried-dead-animals-in-them, foot fungus shoes that would be perfect for volleyball. Don't wear that crap, because everyone else will have somehow known that this was the more formal part of the affair and be decked out in prom dresses and sparkly heels.
- Bring your kids...because when you're not looking they will either...relax...
or get naked.
- Leave your cell phone on. Then when it rings (to the tune of a whinnying, galloping horse) during the ceremony, don't fumble around looking for it in your purse for an ETERNITY, and then accidentally flip it up in the air, missing it and letting it crash to the floor, grabbing it, then FINALLY turning it off, as your face turns the color of your stupid candy-apple red phone and everyone is staring deep rooted shame into your soul. Yeah, for sure, turn that thing OFF before you get there. They should have a stinking “silence your cell phone” reminder in the program. Sheesh.
- Invite your ex-boyfriend to your wedding. That's dumb.
- Wear a dress so tight that when you start to dance, it rips straight up the back exposing your body shaper, which was supposed to secretly tame all that back fat, to the world and you're stuck the rest of the evening sitting in your chair with your husband's suit jacket on, while everyone else is having a blast on the dance floor and you just smile as they keep coming over to ask you why you're not joining the fun and you have to admit that you have cramps because you're too embarrassed that you tried to fit your fat butt in that size 6 dress. Yeah, don't do that.
- Give the father-of-the-bride weird looks and disgusted remarks because you don't recognize him and think he's just some old guy coming on to you, but really he's just trying to figure out who you are and how in the heck you and your Empire State Building-sized attitude got invited in the first place.
- Flirt with the groom. Stupid. And you will probably get clocked by the drunk Maid of Honor.
- Crash into the wedding cake because you decide it's time to start the conga line and begin dragging people onto the dance floor, not paying attention to where you're walking backwards. Don't do that. Don't walk backwards at a wedding. And whatever you do, don't crash into that cake.
- Get so drunk that you stick your head in the punch bowl to bob for ice cubes you mistook for apples. Don't do that either.
Okay, can you guess which ones I did?
Wait...one more thing. If you're the bride, do not wear this...
|Funny Wedding Pictures|
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