1. Inter-species Crush. Or, Inanimate Object Crush: Kermit the Frog.
What’s not to love about Kermit? Except his attraction to that stupid pig. When I was 10, I had a Kermit watch, a Kermit book bag, Kermit posters, John Denver & the Muppets Christmas record album, Kermit drinking glasses, a Kermit Christmas ornament (he’s riding on a sled with a Santa hat on – it’ll go on my tree again this year), and Kermit pajamas (so, this crush I slept with). I watched all his movies and sang all his songs. And yes, The Muppets that came out in 2011 only refueled my love for the puppet. It isn’t easy being green…nor is it easy having a crush on a puppet.
2. Royal Crush. Or, Everyone-has-an-embarrassing-crush Crush: Prince Charles.
Alright, step off. It was 1981. I was nine years old, caught up in the fanfare of the Royal Wedding. Lady Di’s Knight in Shining Armor was Prince Charles and he was my knight too.
…his royal hotness.
3. Eighth-grade-after-school-dance Crush: A kid whose name I can’t remember, so we’ll call him “Sevie” (the slang word for 7th grader – did everyone use this word or was it just my school?)
Junior high after-school dances were awesome and depressing at the same time. It was the highest of high hopes and the lowest of let-downs all wrapped up into one pimple-faced afternoon. The hope that the boy you liked would ask you to dance, then the let-down when he didn’t.
I volunteered to work the drink table at one of the after-school dances and hoped that Sevie would come up to my table to get a drink. I watched him out of the corner of my eye the whole time, willing him to come to my table. Finally, he came over, but he got his stinking drink from the girl next to me. I hated her from then on, even if she was my best friend. She should have referred him to me. She knew I liked him. She shoulda had my back!
4. Realistic Lesser-Known Celebrity Crush: Scott Grimes
It made sense to me to set my sites on a lesser-known celebrity who I actually had a chance to get. I would say to my friends: Why do you like Jon Bon Jovi? He’s too popular, not to mention too old for you. You’ll never have a chance. If I ever get to L.A. and can find out where Scott Grimes lives, I have a way better chance of him asking me to go with him, because nobody knows who he is. Plus, he’s the same age as me.
I found this clip in a bunch of old papers my mom gave me (probably from BOP magazine) just this week. Bonus! Looks like they were up to something naughty.
In case you’re wondering who my realistic-lesser-known-celebrity crush is, he played Alyssa Milano’s boyfriend, Chad McCann, for a couple seasons on Who’s the Boss? He disappeared until he showed up on Party of Five as Will McCorkle, but by then I had thrown the realistic-lesser-known-celebrity crushes to the wind and was focusing on hotties, Scott Wolf and Matthew Fox.
5. Church-boy Crush: Brian
He was a good wholesome boy, kind of looked like a young Bruce Springsteen with blond hair. Since he was a church boy, I tried to be on my best behavior, but my aunts did a good job of sullying my reputation. They lived with us for a while and I remember, on more than one occasion, Brian rode his little white Vespa up the sidewalk in front of our house and stopped to say hi. My aunts had the speakers propped up in the first floor windows of our house blaring Darling Nikki by Prince. Let me just say that Prince wasn’t always singing about wearing a Raspberry Beret, while sitting in his Little Red Corvette, in the Purple Rain, preparing to Party Like It’s 1999. No, he was singing about some dirty stuff. So, there went all my chances with church-boy.
6. Crank Call Crush: Scott M.
Back in the 80s, before Caller ID, my crush was stupid enough to put his phone number in my yearbook suggesting I “stay sweet” and call him – just like everyone else did. Even if he hadn’t given it to me I had the White Pages (a thick book, alphabetized by last name that listed phone numbers for everyone in a city) that I could use to find it.
I memorized his number and periodically called it. I sat and listened in silence, as his mom repeated “hello” over and over before hanging up. I remember sitting back and thinking, I just talked to his mom (kind of). I think Scott answered maybe one time, of the 40 times I called him that summer.
7. Superstitious Crush #1: Dwight (or maybe it was Dwayne)
I had OCD and was pretty superstitious when I was a kid (maybe you read about the string in my back?). I never had a rabbit’s foot, but I had a Garfield air freshener. It was my good luck charm. (I didn’t rub it or anything – that would’ve been weird). It hung on the knob to my bedroom closet door. I believed that if I sniffed Garfield’s orange with black stripes back every time I opened my closet door that one day Dwight/Dwayne would like me. He never liked me.
8. Superstitious Crush #2: James
Eventually, I gave up on fresh smelling cats (that was so junior high) and moved onto other, more mature, irrational notions, like signs and omens. I liked another boy named James. And at the same time I started having a crush on him, I started hearing the song Crush on You, by The Jets – that Mormon band with the 36 siblings. Or maybe the song was Forever Your Girl by Paula Abdul – either way, I heard the song every day. So naturally that was a sign that one day James and I would become an item.
I heard the song when I drove to school, home from school, and when I randomly turned on the radio or even MTV. It was totally an omen. Never mind that the song was #3 on the US Billboard top 100 that year and was played to annoyance on every pop music station. That song meant our love was meant to be. Or more accurately, my love was meant to be like the title of the song because he never reciprocated.
9. So-gross-because-I’m-old-enough-to -be-his-mother Crush: Josh Hutcherson
I got caught up in The Hunger Games books, then had to see the movie. Naturally, I played the part of Katniss Everdeen in my head (Kat-niss…Kat-e or Kat-herine – see?) and when Peeta declared his love for Katniss, he was declaring it for me (playing Katniss). But I think he’s like 4’7” or some kind of short like that. That wouldn’t work. Plus, I’m married. And old.
…here’s a picture of me and Josh.
10. Who-my-husband-thinks-I-have-a-crush-on Crush: Matthew McConaughey and Anderson Cooper
Matthew McConaughey is a valid one since I mentioned that he was “attractive” (attractive is a safe word) about 10 years ago. But, that was 10 years ago. Things change, crushes change…okay, maybe not this one, but Anderson Cooper? So I read his autobiography the week it came out, and I think he’s a good reporter, and I always turn to him in any major disaster, but, he’s gay, right? So, like, that doesn’t even count.
So, can you relate to any of these? What celebrity crushes, especially any embarrassing ones, have you had? Leave it in the comments so we can all laugh at you.