What I Suck/Rock At

Just thought I’d share a list of my strengths and weaknesses for no apparent reason other than to talk about myself.

Here are just five of my weaknesses:

1. I have a fear of confrontation. Don’t even think for a second that if you’ve hurt me in some way that I’m going to confront you about it. Most of the time you won’t know you offended me because instead of confronting you, I’ll consider sending you an email, but think, that’s what a weenie would do, and I won’t want to be considered a weenie, so I’ll just do nothing and avoid you instead. This is why I only have 3.6 friends and one of them is my sister (the .6 – I’m just not sure if we’re friends or acquaintances, and I’m definitely not going to ask.)

2. I’m a people-pleaser. I love to be liked, so I’ll usually do whatever it takes to get you to like me.  I’ll agree to baby-sit your kids, even though I’m not really a “kid-person”.  I’ll watch your dog, even though I’m not really a “dog-person”.  I might even say that I like the taste of your chili even though it reminds me of the time I toured that waste water treatment plant, and threw up at the end. I’m really trying to change it. It’s even on my to do list. Along with going to the moon.

3. I’m too darn popular (I was a cover girl, in case you forgot). I can’t even tell you how much I hate this about me. All my fans taking pictures of me and people begging me to guest post on their blogs. Okay, maybe it was only two people, and the invitations went something like this: Dear Everyone on My Blog Email List, Can anyone, anyone, out there, please guest post for me because I’m swamped with other more important life-changing matters, like having a baby, right now. I’m begging. Anyone with a computer.

4. I complain a lot. I think I’ve gotten better at this, but when I was in high school, I had a friend, Mike, who used to stand with me in the lunch line sometimes, and I would talk to him in my favorite form of conversation, the complainversation:“Ugh, the weather is so crappy. The sun is just too bright. Ugh. Pot-pie again? That stuff’s disgusting. I wish we were having fried chicken again. When are they gonna serve fried chicken again

And he would say, “Kay-Tee…” that was my nickname (K.T.) in high school, used by him and one other person, ever, and he said it slow and with a little southern drawl, “…Kay-Tee…Why do you complain so much?”

“Am I complaining?” I had to think about it. “Wow. I am complaining! I didn’t even know it. I really am complaining. I need to work on that. Thanks, Mike. You know what I’m gonna do?” I pulled a pen out of my Bermuda Bag and began to write on my hand. “I’m gonna remind myself to stop complaining,” and I wrote “STOP COMPLAINING” on my hand. I kept it there to remind myself to stop complaining and when it washed off, I re-wrote it when I remembered, which was only when I saw Mike.

 

Thank the Lord for spell-check.

 

Did it help? I like to think so. Gosh, I hope so. Did it?

5. I’m too hard on myself.

Here are just five of my strengths:
1. Most people consider me to be a really good dresser…in inner-Mongolia where they are all nomads and dress purely for functionality.

 I know you guys are getting sick of this picture. Me too.

2. I’m efficient. Some might say this is a code-word for lazy. I say, who cares what you call it, when you’re simply coming up with faster ways to do things.

Hand-wash only dishes? I just throw them in the dishwasher. It’ll be a while before they fall apart and then I’ll just buy new ones. Or just never use them and then sell them in my garage sale. Or my favorite, wait until they’re piled so high, cry over them on the weekend when my husband is home, reminding him that the kitchen is the equivalent to his office at work and how can I get anything done in my office when there are hand-wash only dishes piled to the ceiling? Then he feels bad for me and does half of them. He doesn’t let me completely off the hook because he leaves the other half for me. He knows about my little blogging addiction.

And Laundry? If you don’t shower, there’s no reason to change your clothes. Which equals no laundry.  I believe it was David Dunham who said, “Efficiency is intelligent laziness.”

3. I’m a good great flosser. If my body’s not clean, at least the sides of my teeth and gums are (the actual brushing part is a completely different subject). I used to be a 21 times per year flosser: The seven days before I went to the dentist, two times per year, then seven random times the rest of the year. Usually when I ate ribs or other meat off the bone, or a had a mad stalk of broccoli dangling between my teeth like a tire flap on a Mack truck.

Now, I’m a 365+ times per year flosser. What’s the secret to this major life-change? The dental-pik, of course. These things are awesome (I just sang the word awesome in my head like an opera singer. I love them that much.). Especially, if you’re lazy efficient, like me. Where it used to take me about two minutes to floss with that two-foot long blood-thirsty twine, now it’s about 20 seconds. I suppose they’re bad for the environment, but I’m more concerned about the connection between my heart health and flossing than I am about the environment. At least I am now that I floss every day.

4. I can be a little sarcastic. Some might consider this a weakness. I say, screw them. Just kidding. Kind of. See, that’s what makes great sarcasm.

5. I can Pronto-Poop. Two minutes tops. That’s the benefit of a (mostly) all-natural diet. My husband, he has to take a book with him, like War and Peace (might help to lay off the Better Cheddar bagels with cream cheese, honey).  My six-year old squats over the toilet like a baseball catcher while singing Muppet songs. My daughter still poops in diapers (or on the remote control) and my eight-year old is just like me. We bond over our pronto-pooping and make fun of the rest of the family.

I’m sure my parents are cringing at this point, over the child they attempted to raise to be a somewhat successful contributor to society. I’m guessing they’ve already unfriended me on Facebook in order to have absolutely no connection with their, now, estranged daughter. Sorry Mom and Dad. Just keepin’ it real. And it’s okay to unfriend me, just keep me in the will. Thanks! Love ya!

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Comments

What I Suck/Rock At — 32 Comments

  1. LOl! Pronto pooper. Too funny. I am right there with you on the fear of confrontation and it has gotten worse since I became a mother. I am so worried if I say something I will be punched in the face or hurt. I know….I am weird.

  2. If I knew how to put italics into Comments, this Post would be *perfect*. lol
    Am with you on all 5 of the weaknesses listed, or now that I read it again, better make that 4.
    (For me, the confrontation thing is the worst. Mostly ’cause if it is an un-coming situation and it is unavoidable, then I will rehearse and trehearse the thing until the moment comes, at which point it almost invariably mutates into something that is not as bad as I thought, combined with an outcome that I never saw coming.)
    btw I like the ‘list x number of things…’ approach to writing a Post. In fact, sometimes in the middle of writing a Post, I’ll hit the ‘bullet point thing’ just to see what I can come up with in the way of reasons for/examples of (the topic) of the Post.

    I *really* enjoy the feeling of having to write my way out of a Post.

  3. Oh this was too damn funny Kate. your husband sounds like mine with reading a book in the bathroom, but wish I could say I was a pronto pooper (love that, really do!!). Great post, by the way I too hate confrontation, can very much relate there on that one!!

  4. Your cover girl picture cracked me up!! So wrong of that woman, but so hilarious in retrospect. Also, I’m with you on the pronto poops (and thank you for giving me a name to use to describe this). My boyfriend takes FOREVER, and I just can’t understand it!

    I gave you an award, but now that I’m typing this comment, I totally see that you already have the award…and it’s staring me down in all of it’s original logo greatness. Yup, I gave you another Liebster Award, but with it’s new look and chain-letter like rules. Oh wells. Feel free to check it out and grab it if you want. I still want people to know about your blog, so I’m leaving it up on mine. :)

  5. OMG Kate, I am DYING! Had to RT this one. Your writing is really funny. Complainversation? Genius. Call me, maybe, NOT dumb. Dental pik- SO with you on that one.
    I too am a Pronto Pooper, but here’s my little secret: I pretend I am not so I can hide in the bathroom with my Kindle and read people’s blogs and FB. Ha! Shh, don’t tell!
    Your self-deprecating humor is a gift. Keep it up!

  6. I wish I could do it with ease. I have a friend who has no problem doing it. Which is great for me because she actually knows when something is bothering me and will confront me, then it’s easier for me to let it out. I also practice on my husband, which hasn’t been easy, but I’m doing it.

  7. I had the word power-poop in there, but my husband, correctly, thought that implied pooping with force, which I don’t naturally do, and I wanted a P-word that implied quickness. Hence, pronto-pooping. Thanks for the award! I’ll mention that you gave it to me in my next post. Love getting them!

  8. Gosh, thanks Stephanie. I need you around All. The. Time! I started wondering if I had written a bunch of stuff that only I could relate to. Glad to know I didn’t! I never thought of taking advantage of the pronto-pooping. I’m going to switch things up. Change it to constipation. I’ll start talking up my love of cheese sticks to my husband, immediately.

  9. Hey, you’re witty. Add that to your list. :)

    I’m considering the Pik for hubby for Christmas. Unromantic? Yes. But I suspect he’ll love it just the same. :)

    Happy weekend!

  10. Why can’t we answer them like this in a job interview. Do you think we’d get the job. LOL!! Loved it. Your #1 weakness is mine. My husband would be my .6. Not sure if we are friends or acquaintances either. LOL! #5 I knock on the door to my husband and say, “Just checking to make sure you haven’t passed out in there.”

  11. Wow, I was already thinking as I was reading that we seem like kindred spirits, so I really had to laugh when I saw this comment about you getting red in the face. I started that when I was around 12 and under stress (first time was at the dentist and they kept asking if I was OK). #TALU

  12. I, for one, have just seen that Inner Mongolia Nomad photo for the first time and it’s GREAT! Who won that wrestling match? You or the sleeping bag? Nice blog you have here, “K.T.” I’ll be back. Thanks for the jollies and the whine.

  13. Oh those were great and that photo of you is truly a winner in every sense.:) It was definitely worth it for you to go out of order on the blog challenge!

  14. holy Crap I’m laughing so hard! you are hysterical! I am an amazing super pooper also! I mastered it in case I had to poop in public. 1) – hate public bathrooms so I wanted to be in and out as fast as possible 2) if you poop fast like faster than pee no-one will think you could have possibly created that smell.

  15. Finding the funny is a gift and you are one gifted lady but if Stacey and Clinton from What not to Wear knock on your door it wasn’t me.

  16. Kate, I love the way your wacky-tastic brain works. You had me giggling all the way through. Most excellent! And thank you for hooking up with the humor blog!

  17. God, you’re sooo efficient! I found myself nodding in agreement, until we got to pronto pooping. Thats my wifes thing too! Me, I’m in there 10, 15 minutes. If my wife were to do that, chaos would ensue! Hooray for speedy sphincters!

  18. This is the funniest post I’ve read in such a long time. Pronto poop LOL!!! I have a relative that yells at you “COME ON I GOTTA GO SNIP IT OFF”.

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