The first one is @WilliamRuh. He’s unique. Read his tweet to see the premise for every single one of his tweets. And he does this everyday. That’s too much work for me.
This is me…
Parents after the first kid: Make sure you put on your bike helmet!Parents after the third kid: Be careful with that chainsaw, sweetie.
— Shkeeber (@shkeeber) January 4, 2013
Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life thinking it is stupid. #quotes
— Julie DeNeen (@jdeneen4) January 5, 2013
Hate it when my hand bypasses the “don’t send that!” filter in my head and then I have to burn down all the cell towers.
— KayRants (@KayRants) January 6, 2013
Like pink was the new black…neon is the new suck.
— AnotherBottleofWhine (@KateWhineHall) January 7, 2013
Phrases I’ve actually uttered: “I’m not gonna give you a candy that’s bigger than the poop you made.”
— Something Clever 2.0 (@JennSmthngClvr) January 11, 2013
Honesty is the best policy. Unless you want people to like you.RT @sixthformpoet
— Funny One Liners (@funnyoneliners) January 11, 2013
Justin Timberlake is making music again. Destiny’s Child is back together. Ball is in your court Color Me Badd.
— Jon Acuff (@jonacuff) January 11, 2013
Tonight I went to a yoga class with my best friend and she farted during namaste.That is all I need to make this the best week ever.
— Bonnie Larsen (@thelifeofbon) January 12, 2013
Just had a Coke and 6 pcs. of chocolate. That’s on the Paleo diet, right? Sorry. I mixed that up with the “Eat Like a Sow” Diet.
— AnotherBottleofWhine (@KateWhineHall) January 23, 2013
— C.H.A.M.P. (@SEOUL_Child116) January 23, 2013
This guy is funny. I love his tweets…
Each week, I hoard all of one type of office supply to see how my coworkers react to the shortage. This week, that item is toilet paper.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 24, 2013
This is my most retweeted tweet ever. And I sent it out today. Who knew something so simple could get so much attention? And who knew that six retweets could be considered so much attention?
Sign that you’re a mom: You have to write “take a shower” on your to do list.— AnotherBottleofWhine (@KateWhineHall) January 30, 2013
Can I ground my kids for not doing anything that I can turn into a funny tweet?
— SweetandWeak (@sweetandweak) January 30, 2013
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants. When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
— Tony P. (@Steelers1972) December 11, 2012
The worst things on Earth are racism, genocide, and when couples sit on the same side of the booth.
— Jesse Weller (@JesseWeller) November 28, 2012