What The Space Shuttle & My Colon Have In Common


This post is for the Dude Write Starting Lineup where you can find some excellent posts by bloggers who happen to be dudes. They’re allowing ladies in this week.  I’m re-posting this post from last week since it was hooked to my link-up.  So, if you’ve already read it, read it again and tweet/share it this time, or just ignore it.

One of the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me occurred when I had a colonoscopy. I was having some issues in my “backyard” (rectum). And since I’m a hypochondriac, I immediately scheduled an appointment with my internist, hoping he could ease my mind with a quick diagnosis or refer me to a specialist.

I met with him the next day, and after a surprise “backyard” exam, he referred me to a specialist, who, thankfully, did not give me a second exam, but instead, scheduled me for a colonoscopy. Mmm.

The best part of a colonoscopy is that during the procedure you’re sound asleep and completely unaware of the violations being committed on your body. I remember drowsily waking after my procedure thinking, “I would be fully content, dying right now, in this peaceful slumber. Take me away…Calgon.”

The worst part is the prep for the procedure. The day before, you’re required to drink, what seems like, a barrel full of liquid laxative. The flavor was not unlike what ginger-flavored sewage water might taste like. It’s intended to “clean you out.” In fact, the directions warn, “Stay near a toilet! You will have diarrhea.” Directions like that…I’m gonna follow.

I chose to chase the vile liquid with Cherry Coke. It helped me…Not. One. Bit. It was disgusting. What it did help with was taking every crumb of food I’d consumed in the previous six years, that might have been trapped inside the wee crevices of my small intestine, and shooting them out my backside with the force of the Discovery blast-off. Repeatedly. All day.

So, of course, I had to share my experience with my best friend.

I found Felicity’s most recent email, opened it, hit reply, and in graphic detail, described to her how my intestines were turning inside out, while simultaneously attacking other organs like a bengal tiger attacks it’s dinner.

I hit send and smiled at the thought of her simultaneously laughing and being grossed out. Yes, I’m disgusting.

Have you ever experience one of those moments where your brain recognizes your error and screams, “STOP!”, but your body is still moving forward? That was one of those moments.

Instead of hitting ‘Reply’ on the mass email she had forwarded me, I had hit, ‘Reply ALL’!

Oh crap. Oh CRAP!!! Her family and friends and our mutual friends will see what I wrote about the sad state of my bowels! I mentally scanned through a list of our college friends. No. No! NO!!!

In my panic, I pulled up her email again, clicked ‘Reply ALL’ and quickly typed in the subject line, “Please ignore the previous email from me. Sorry.” and hastily clicked send.

Oh crap. OH CRAP!!! Telling someone to ignore your email is like saying, “Read Me. Read Me. Exclusive information in here!”

Needless to say, over the next hour I received a number of emails guffawing at my error and giving me “wise” words of advice to comfort my bowels.

The really painful thing is that I went through all that embarrassment only to find out that I had your regular, every day, garden-variety hemorrhoids.

Lesson: Be careful when hitting ‘Reply All’.



Now tell me, in the comments, something embarrassing you’ve done (you’re in good company). And be sure to share my embarrassment with all your FB and Twitter friends.


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Comments

What The Space Shuttle & My Colon Have In Common — 32 Comments

  1. LOL, best colonoscopy story ever! I’ve had 3 myself due to family history of colon cancer (I was on the every 3 year plan at age 30!)

    You know what? you don’t actually have to starve yourself the day before – I did it the first time and then the last two times I cheated with some marshmallows and other easily dissolved food – neither doctor said a word about finding anything.

    That liquid stuff really does the job!

  2. Bwaaaahahahahahaa! Sorry. Ahem. Yeah I had to do that a couple of years ago. Not a good time. I do embarrassing things all. the. time. I regularly punch myself in the boob while pulling up my sleeves, for example. I also try to do athletic things but I’m really awful at them, so that’s what I blog about.

  3. I made the mistake after hernia surgery of thinking I could get some light work done, you know make sure I didn’t fall too far behind.

    Emails…easy to read, decide to delete or answer…how hard can that be.

    Well, I replied all a few times and my inner monologue escaped courtesy of the pain meds. Fortunately, my co-worker alerted the masses, called my wife and told her to take away any emailing devices and all was good.

    Funny post.

    WG

  4. No one should ever hear the conversations i have with my friends/bf about such things, as I also love to glorify the gross for everyone’s mutual amusement. Unfortunately my house’s windows are super close to the neighbors on either side, so they know waaaay too much, oops!

  5. Oh my goodness Kate!!! I know I’ve done this before, I also typed an email and replied to “all”, but I just can’t remember what it was. It was also something I cringed, and immediately sent an email also saying sorry and “please don’t worry to read”, LOL!!! I almost had tears I was laughing so much reading your post. Hehehe…sorry!! Jeez, talk about a way to learn your lesson!

  6. Oh no, poor you! At least you didn’t send it to work colleagues. I have to get my colonoscopy next year. I’m dreading the prep. I’ve seen the husband do it and it’s not pretty.

  7. Oh no! That’s embarrassing! I can totally relate to the colonoscopy thing, though. The actual procedure is nowhere near as bad as the prep. The liquid diet and the crap they make you drink, ugh!

  8. Major Tom to Ground Control … my suit is starting to smell!!! lol One must have to admire the portability of laptops at the most inconvenient times. : ) Sorry you had to go through it, but thanks for sharing this explosive story! (As you’ve noticed, I, like many are avoiding telling more embarrassing stories, lol)

  9. NO! Say it isn’t so! That is awful. I’ve yet to need to have a colonoscopy but when I do I will be sure to share my explosive ass issues with only my close family and friends. Yikes. haha. Thanks for letting us laugh with/at you.

  10. It’s almost 4:00 in the morning over here in England and I think I’ve just woken up the neighbour’s dogs with my laughter. Very funny post. :)

  11. I once sent a text to my mother, that was intended for my wife, about the unfortunate effects that something I had eaten were having on my insides. Considering that it was supposed to be a text to my wife and what the content could have easily been, I think I may have gotten off lucky. :)

  12. Embarrassing, but could have been worse – like some years ago when I sent a raunchy text (intended for my wife) to my female line-manager. Now that took some explaining away!

  13. How I did not see this one earlier is well beyond me, and OHMYGOD! I recently read about someone else’s experience with “the drink” that made me want to eat oatmeal everyday for every meal for the rest of my life in the hopes that I will NEVER have to endure this procedure.
    I am thanking everything that’s not evil right now that I’ve NEVER hit “reply all” on a message. And also that my lewd friends send me thing in an exclusive email or text. Holy cow, would that be embarrassing! You’ve definitely got my vote for the DudeWrite contest. Hands down most awesome story entered yet…

  14. I am so sorry about the “Reply All”. Really sorry about the hemorrhoids, ’cause that is no fun either and heartfully sorry for chuckling at this. You poor thing. (Still pretty funny.) ;)

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