It was hard to come up with 10. Steve refreshed my memory on a few odd places we’ve kissed, but there were only five, so I had to go back to my journal, pre-Steve, to refresh my memory on past kisses. I’m a list person, so naturally I have a list of every guy I’ve ever kissed and their rating as a kisser (0-10 – as you’ll soon see, somebody got a big fat zero).
1. On the Beach…Highway…Under a Street Light. If you’ve been reading my listicles for a few months, then you read about the romantic place I had my first kiss. If not, you can check it out here.
2. The ghetto. I was on a double date, which I wasn’t supposed to be on because in 10th grade my mom thought I was too young to be riding in cars with other kids driving (for my kids, the minimum age driver will be 30…and a relative).
We had gone to a dance at his school. After the dance we cruised the streets and pulled into a cul-de-sac in a neighborhood in the ghetto part of town. This area saw regular robberies and the occasional murder, but we had family friends that lived there, so I kind of felt at home.
His name was Steve. He should be called the anti-Steve because that’s pretty much how he kissed. The only thing I’ve ever been able to compare his kissing to, is somebody repeatedly jamming a wet fire poker in my mouth.
Well, that was all it took for me to decide that my mom was right and that I shouldn’t be riding in cars with boys. So I told him I really liked him just as a friend. He told me if I weren’t his girlfriend that he couldn’t go on living. My thoughts: Sorry, guy. You kiss like a sewing machine.
I never saw him after that. His kiss rated a zero.
3. Study lounge. This wasn’t an unpopular place to make out as I had caught other couples doing the same thing. I had three different boyfriends in college, so I don’t remember which one I kissed in the study lounge. We probably got caught.
4. On top of a school bus. I was at a Jimmy Buffett concert. That should explain everything. I wrote next to his name: Greasy Canadian. I have no idea what that means. I recorded a five for him.
If my kids ever read this list someday, they’ll totally throw up. Because I kind of just did.
Places I’ve kissed my husband:
5. Picnic table. That’s where we had our first kiss – sitting on top of a picnic table. It was late at night after our first date to see The Blair Witch Project. We had eaten garlic for dinner.
6. The parking garage under the Shakespeare Theater on Navy Pier. We missed the first act. Which was fine by me because it was always mildly embarrassing sitting with Shakespeare for Dummies open on my lap, so I could understand what was going on.
7. Rest stop in Newton, Iowa. This rest stop had a trail to walk your dog behind the restrooms. So we walked the trail and made out behind a tree. I don’t even think we used the restrooms.
8. Trunk of my car. Okay, I know this one sounds bad, but Steve’s roommate was home and we wanted privacy, and making out in the front bucket seats was uncomfortable. I had my new Saturn where the seats laid down into the trunk. So, we laid the seats down. Unfortunately, it kind of felt like we were making out in a coffin, so we moved to
9. The lawn at Steve’s apartment complex. After about three minutes of making out on the chigger-infested grass, Steve began to itch. But it was more than chiggers, he had hives. I called my mom and had to tell her Steve had been rolling in the grass and we didn’t know what to do. I had to explain why and she asked why there, so then I explained the car trunk and….she told us to get some Benadryl.
I rated Steve as a 10. And I’m not just saying that because he’s my husband.
I can’t think of a 10th place, so you tell me a place where you kissed – in the comments.
Oh, and if you didn’t see my picks yesterday for the Top 10 Funniest Tweets for March from around the land of Twitter, check that out here.