Here are the top 10 funniest tweets for the month of May from people I follow. I also included one of my own because I strive to be as funny and cool as these people and I want to be on a list with them somewhere.
If you’re on Twitter, show some twitter love by retweeting, starring or following.
Relationship status: just got through having date night with a Toblerone.
— Arin Lee Morris (@ArinLeeMorris) May 1, 2013
I’m pretty sure my 4 year old eliminates at least an acre of rainforest per day in cat drawings alone.
— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) May 9, 2013
There’s a special place in hell for people who borrow but never return their friend’s Ace of Base cassette, Mark.
— BenG (@bengulate) May 10, 2013
I don’t know what’s worse, the girl I was flirting with pointing out I had corn stuck in my teeth, or the fact I haven’t had corn in 3 days.
— Ranch Dressing Fit (@Matty_Lombardo) May 10, 2013
Happy mom’s day sweet wife! Just leave all the breakfast dishes until tomorrow night when you get home from work. Today is yours!
— donofalltrades (@donofalltrades1) May 12, 2013
Disappointed to see that the roller coaster at LegoLand is actually made of steel. That right there is bull crap, LegoLand. — Abe Y. (@Cheeseboy22) May 17, 2013
45% of the strain you see on a person’s face when they’re lifting weights is just trying to hold that fart in. — AnotherBottleofWhine (@KateWhineHall) May 17, 2013
The manliest thing I did today was clip a hangnail with a pair of wire cutters. The least manly thing I did was cry while I snipped it off.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 20, 2013
I’ve never done Ecstasy, the drug, but I have taken off my bra at the end of the day, so pretty much the same thing.
— Linda in Disguise (@LindaInDisguise) May 20, 2013
Hipster rhymes with Prius
— dave (@CudjoeKeyDave) May 20, 2013
Shout out to the Trader Joe’s clerk who treated me to a super loud PSA on the diuretic qualities of my bran muffins.
— Kathy Cooperman (@Kathy_Cooperman) May 23, 2013
To see the funniest tweets from April, check them out here.
Update: Tweets no longer in a Twitter block may mean the account has been deleted.