WARNING: If you find the topic of poop repulsive then stop reading now. Don’t get to the bottom and decide I’m a disgusting pig, just accept right here that I am. This is a gross post. But if you find poop funny, then, by all means, keep reading!
I was trying to come up with a list for this week’s topic, words that make you smile. I thought and thought about it and the words that kept coming to my brain were people’s names: my kids, husband, parents, sister, close family and friends.
I mean, I love them all and that’s why just the mention of their names makes me smile, but I’m shooting for humor and that wasn’t really cutting it.
So I’m writing about another topic that’s near and dear to my heart: poop.
So here are, in my most sophomoric post yet…but probably not the last…
Synonyms for Poop
Doo-doo (and it’s variations: Doodie/Dookie/Poopie/Poo-poo/Poo) – The first time I met with our pediatrician I had to describe my son’s stool consistency and color and was at a loss for words. The word “feces” sounded like something that came out of an animal and excrement sounded so formal. The word “stool” wasn’t even on my radar. “His…he’s not having diarrhea, but his…it’s…it’s just…” The doctor piped up, “Just tell me what his poo looks like.”
Shart – When you think you need to fart, but…oops. “Oh my gosh, did you just shart? Because there’s no way that wasn’t wet. You’re disgusting; you make me sick. Go change your underwear.” And this should not be confused with “Sheaser” which is the opposite. You think you pooped your pants, but when you run to the bathroom, you find out that you got lucky and it was just a teaser…a sheaser.
Olive Garden Enema/Green Apple Two-step/Flash Gordon Blues – I haven’t been to Olive Garden in eight years because every time I consumed my favorite meal of soup, salad, and bread sticks, I couldn’t make it out the door before needing to hustle in to say hello to my friend, the porcelain throne. And by “hustle” I mean, push people out of the way and knock over some grandmas. I decided I’d had enough. I’ve never gone back. My husband’s dad refers to this as the “Green Apple Two-Step” and my mom, the “Flash Gordon Blues.”
Taco Bell Booty Blast – I just made this one up because…Taco Bell. “Oh man, I shouldn’t have eaten that Taco Bell. Oh man.” *Sweating ensues* “I’m never eating there again.” *clenches stomach* “The Taco Bell Booty Blast is com in’! Outta my way!” *runs to bathroom, MIA for three hours* *Goes back to Taco Bell the following week.*
Skids – I do the laundry at my house. Enough said. “Don’t you notice when you’re farting that it’s not dry? Look at these skids! It’s ridiculous. Now I have to use bleach in this load and I wasn’t planning to. (grumble, grumble, grumble).”
La ba ba – This is Chinese for “Do you need to poop?” We learned this on our first trip to China to adopt our oldest son. Ironically, it’s not very different from the one Chinese word we use on a daily basis. “Baba,” is the Chinese word for “daddy.”
Prairie-dogging – I learned this from one of the National Lampoon’s Vacation movies. When you’re ready to go and it’s beginning to peek out. “Dad, I need to go now! I’m prairie-dogging!”
Crap – My kids know that to get me to laugh all they have to say is some variation of “…crap in my pants…” “I don’t know what was in that dinner last night, but this morning, I nearly crapped my pants,” equals automatic roar of laughter from me.
Junk in the Trunk – My husband and I had a heated discussion on what this term really means. He says it has to do with pooping your pants while I always thought it had to do with having a big booty, as in Baby Got Back. “Oh. My. Gosh. She’s got so much Junk in the Trunk.” Are they talking about the size of said butt or the size of said butt loaf?
Dingleberry – When I was young I thought this was some kind of foreign fruit. Turns out it’s not. While it’s the size of a berry, it tastes nothing like one.
“When you’re sitting on a mountain and your butt becomes a fountain…”*
“When you have Thanksgiving turkey and your stool is stank hot slurpee…”*
“When you’re swimming in a river and your butt begins to quiver…”*
“When you’re chillin’ at the dance and there’s pudding in your pants:“*
“When your butt feels all wet, but you know it’s not sweat…” – That was my husband’s.
*Quoted straight from The Official Diarrhea Song website. Yes there is one.
I don’t even know if I can publish this post. Yes, I can.
What word for poop makes you laugh?
Want to read more about poop? Check out: I Pooped My Sheet, What Every Parent Should Teach Their Kid About Pooping and What the Space Shuttle and My Colon Have in Common.